you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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