Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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