I wish they made helmets for livers.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
