The maid of honor just puked.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize