So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize