We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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