I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
