Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
