I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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