That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
