Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
