shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
