she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
