glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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