I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
