It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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