worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize