she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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