Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
