I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
