from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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