i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
