FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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