Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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