Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
