and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
