In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
