fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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