I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
