a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
