just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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