Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
