Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
