Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
