My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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