ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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