Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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