There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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