i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
