I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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