The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
