I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
