she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
