She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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