just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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