Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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