If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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