I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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