dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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