I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
