I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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