She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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