you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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