i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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