I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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