Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
