Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
