If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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