Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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