please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
