I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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