then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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